SO YOU WANT TO BE AN ACTOR?
I have wanted to start this blog for the longest time; well actually for about 3 years. When you get to know me, you’ll find that time and I have a very dysfunctional “situationship” (Abusive son of a bi… God). Anyway, I have wanted to start this blog for a while and for reasons that my pride won’t let me type out, I never got to it. Now for reasons that my same pride will make me lie to you about, I’m ripping the band aid off and just doing it!
How many of you boys and girls out there have wanted to be superstar actors?? Jet setting all over the world. Signing autographs on baby’s foreheads. Getting into the best most exclusive events. Partying in mansions and on yachts. Getting stuff you can afford for free. Going to movie premieres in top designers clothes and jewellery. Having personal trainers (AKA surgeons) that can have your body dripping in finesse in about as much time as it took my boy Bruno to call up Cardi. Living the champagne life in whatever the Nigerian equivalent of Malibu is. Driving cars that make you want to slap your mama, your aunty, your grandmama, AND your pastors wife (which can totally happen in a Nigerian film I’m jus sayin).
I’m betting my mama, my aunties, my grand-mama, AND my pastors wife that the answer is a whole hell of a lot of us boys and girls want to be superstar actors. I should start a church. And if you attend services regularly, pay reasonable offerings to the senior pastor (AKA my humble self) and believe EVERYTHING I tell you, all will be well with you. Let the church say...
The life of an actor is the stuff of wild well fed drunk dreams and rightly so. Who doesn’t want their bills paid just because they threw on an outfit (that someone else suffered to find, “shalla” to all costume departments)? Wearing make-up (that is put on for you while you lounge in a comfy chair). Reading lines (that someone else spent months writing and rewriting)… wait Anee, you are an actor oh… *blinks twice*… *blinks twice more*… if you stand still they won’t see you… you are a fairy princess… Whaat?? Well I did say drunk dreams.
There aren’t that many jobs that will put you on the pay grade of a Nigerian local government chairman and give you the free time of…… well a Nigerian local government chairman and so acting is an easy win-win, or so you think. Let me educate you my pets, you will receive sense as I impart it upon thee (thine? Don’t worry I’ll be sure by the time I start the church).
Let me not get ahead of myself here because if I run you off now, how will I get enough subscribers to buy a house in Banana Island? I mean, how will I share my knowledge with all of you awesome people that I love so much… so so much. This blog came into my heart to do because I am an actor in Nigeria and there’s a fine print that comes in the contract you sign that is so fine, it’s nearly impossible to see. If there was an equivalent to the way humans can’t hear over 20,000 hertz (think dog whistle raised to a thousand or maybe just dog whistle), seeing the fine print of the actors life before you get into it would be that equivalent. You require working spiritual eyes to see it (your pastors wife could have maybe been of actual service here but you slapped her. Shame on you). I think that the moment you get in and sign that dodgy, no fine print showing contract, you are sworn to never ever ever ever tell other non suspecting regulars about it. They have to come in and find out by their damn selves, all by their damn lonesome selves.
So 3 years ago and today I have finally decided to read that fine print OUT LOUD to as many regulars as will listen. I am risking my life here people, but a house in Banan- I mean YOU guys are worth it. You luxury trips on my private jet are worth every bit of danger I’ll face from the contract drafting overlords of actor-hood. So if I get cut down by the powers that be (if they’re not too busy slapping their pastors wives) you all will know why! The revolution will be televised!!!…on your phone screens…in written form.
There’s a lot of stories to tell you guys that don’t make it to the gram or the snap, or the red carpet or the interviews or the perception in your minds that actors are “outchea” living their best lives on a daily and I commit myself to telling them
(because I am a NOBLE fairy princess).
So boys and girls, without further ado I.e without more work,
ceremony or fuss (because in addition to being the torchlight we’ll be shining on the shady lies that we actors make y’all believe, I also
help you know the meanings of things) I bring you THE ADVENTURES OF A NIGERIAN ACTOR. Enjoy