YOUR PAY CHEQUE MY FRIEND IS BLOWING IN THE WIND
Hey guys, how did everyone’s day go? Good, not so good or just flat out horrendous?? I’m asking for real, so let me know in your comments or in an email and we can chat about it if you’d like. Great! so now we can jump into today's entry.
I had a not so good day yesterday, however I have decided to turn my no good, very horrible, very bad day into a teachable moment. Because while I could sit on my ass and mope about it, I would much rather laugh at the situation then lie flat on my back and drink lots of good wine (mmmm alcohol *hick*)
The story I'm about to tell you may frighten some of you would be actors, but fear is not what I want you to take away from it. I will hold your hand and be with you every step of the way (till I fall asleep or my black mirror episode finishes buffering on Netflix)
Last year was a great year for me. I think that a good year comes to how it ends not necessarily how it begins. And 2017 ended really well for me. I’d gotten more job offers in the last 4 months of the year than I’ve had in my 4 year career (story for another day). So it was safe to say that the long awaited take off into super stardom was finally happening. That damn plane had been taxiing (you guys that’s actually the way it’s spelt; the real war on terror should be waged against English. So rude.) Anyway (because I must get my metaphor in), that damn plane had been taxiing so long, you’d think it was retarded and couldn’t find its way from the hangar to the runway. That plane was a candidate for the short bus and the extra long straw. Fast forward to yesterday and one of the productions that I was offered a role in, kicked off; without me… (I’m burning my plane to ashes)
So here’s the gist of what really happened and why I have now decided that my plane is an alcoholic that would much rather dance shaku shaku on the runway than fly and I just might be trekking to stardom. I was offered this job after giving a ridiculous audition (and by ridiculous, I mean wicked and by wicked I mean sick and by sick I mean amazing. See what I said about English?) So I gave this amazing audition, blew the directors out the water and was offered the job virtually on the spot. Celebration celebration, giddyness giddyness, some internal gloating (plenty internal gloating) and another job in my pocket. It was like I was being toasted by the industry and I was making him wait a few days before reading his Whatsapp messages. “Ah! You don enter one chance, because now that I have you, me and you will die here today!!”
There’s this thing I do when money is coming into my hand (any actor who says it’s not about the money is a LIAR that should get singed by the fires of hell just a bit before being sent back up to heaven. So that when you see them in their white robes with the ass burnt out, you can identify the ones who’ll lie to you about attending the midday praise worship session) So when money is about to come to me, I shout hallelujah, get happy and then jump into my book of accounts and divvy up the money before it even lands in my account. Listen guys, there is nothing sweeter than seeing money that you don’t yet own doing things for you, solving your problems and being invested. I kid you not, it is hella therapeutic.
I said to myself that the least I would take for this job would be N500,000 (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND naira)… …. … … … … … … …. … … …. … … … … … … … … sorry for the interruption, that was just retrospect me, laughing at idealistic me and my lofty expectations. Retrospect me is rude, harsh and lacks proper home training; the ass-hole is still laughing.
Anyway (I had to leave that paragraph for the jerk to finish laughing, hopefully she passes out). Anyway I had decided that half a million should cover the 3 weeks they’d have me out of town for. And honestly, I don’t think that fee is too far fetched. I do AMAZING work (WILL YOU STOP LAUGHING YOU ANIMAL!!!) I do amazing work and I believe that I should be compensated accordingly. Here’s a tip for you all; when the production team doesn’t tell you upfront what they’re offering, RUN. Run fast and far in the other direction. Look back and you might just turn to the pillar of salt that your village people will use to cook soup for the rest of your family members destinies.
The line producer called me a few days before we were supposed to get on the road and said the eight words that every Nigerian actor has heard at least a million times in their career. Say it with me, “YOU KNOW THAT WE DON’T REALLY HAVE MONEY” sigh. I am tired of producers taking the piss when it comes to paying the most important element of your project (trust me, there’ll be a post for this soon).
Anyway, I asked her what they were offering. And to my surprise, what they were offering was actually quite close to what I had in mind. They were willing to pay me N500,000; as long as they could keep N460,000 of it in a fund. And that fund was called “THE OTHER ACTORS FEES”. How many of you excelled at math in school? I may need your help here. N500,000 - N460,000 = choking on my chivita pineapple juice.
I’m trying not to make this a two part post, so I want to bring this home but there’s just so much to say about this particular incident. I have so many feelings. So many words. And not nearly enough grape juice (that just happened to be forgotten so it fermented a little). So needless to say, I turned the job down because they would only give me N10,000 more after negotiations.
Let me sign off by saying this to my fellow actors; you will have to decide not to accept anything less than you know you are worth. It is your responsibility to figure out what you bring to the table and value yourself commensurately. If you’re waiting for anyone else to do that, it’ll NEVER happen. No producer who is worth their salt will give you a job simply because they like you. A good producer will give you the job because you add value to their project. So realize that and stop short changing yourself. It will cost you a few jobs in the beginning. But with every sub-par offer you refuse, you’re telling the people who need to know, that your services are valuable and they will have to pay fairly to use them.
So there you have it guys. It’s Friday and you know what that means… absolutely nothing at all. I have a photo shoot by 7am tomorrow, so I’m eating Indomie, drinking water(…) and wrapping myself up in my comforter till I look like a human enchilada. Have an awesome weekend!!