LIGHTS. CAMERA. SUCK BELE!!
I’m not good at taking great pictures. I generally think the process is weird. You make a huge effort to look good in a picture that is supposed to look like you didn’t make any effort to get it to look that way. It just messes with my brain and I end up looking like a frank moron. However, I thought that because of acting and being able to move effortlessly in front of a camera, posing for pictures would become easier. That was until Saturday. My first proper photo shoot ever and I was dead in the water before I could even get my hair wet. Ha! If you ever have the opportunity to get training for how to take pictures without looking like a complete and total gbef, jump on that ship; jump on that ship quick!
In this post I’m going to tell you all the things that you should never ever do before a photo shoot. And how horribly sideways everything can go if you don’t listen to me. Don’t forget, everything I do, I do for you and the ad space I will eventually be able to sell. But mostly for you. Let's jump in.
1. Make up your mind on whether or not to go for the damn photo shoot.
When you are informed in an email that you will be needed for a photo shoot 2 weeks before the actual day, it behoves on you not to play “tinini tanana” with your career and make a mental note of the date. Write it out and stick it on your wall if you have to. The reason for this is that if you don’t, you will very likely forget that you have a photo shoot and end up eating a big fat bowl of steamy indomie with ALL the fixings (if you know, you know) late on the night before the shoot. Said Indomie will be followed by a sizeable chunk of cake, that you just happened to find lying around in your fridge, because you were awake and kept trudging to kitchen to make sure it was alright all by itself.. I truly don’t know what happened after that cake because God works in mysterious ways.
2. Don’t sacrifice quality throne room time for getting to set early
I told you we’re going to be honest on this blog, so work with me on this. We all know that quality toilet time first thing in the morning is the best activity of the day. Don’t act like you don’t know sis. The first crap sets the tone for your entire day. If you have a lousy pellet ridden crap session, then no one should expect great things from you that day. However if you have a great crap session, it’s like dying onto your old self and being born again. I tell you, the first step to winning at life is crapping. Champions crap good. Be a champion. Unfortunately for me, I was not going to be winning that day, which brings me to the next thing you must not do.
3. Good undergarments are expensive for a reason
A couple of months before this photo shoot, I was on a set with the most awesome costume department I’ve worked with so far. They were on point, hands on and very willing to help the actors in any way they could. One of the ways they helped, was with buying us stuff when they made runs to the laundromat or to the clothes market in Balogun. Now I LOVE a cheap alternative to anything. If I can find it cheap, I will TAKE IT!! (I feel your scorn but it doesn’t matter because today, I’m winning at life *wink wink*). One of the darlings offered to buy me a waist trainer because some of the clothes they had me in were hella bele groping. And since we didn’t want to be looking like we were pregnant on screen, we obliged (because I will not take this waist training L alone). I own a really expensive waist trainer, I do. I never use it because it is the actual devil, and so it just sits there in my drawer. I wasn’t about to buy another 30 something thousand naira organ killer, so when a 6000 naira option (that could kill my insides just as well) came along, I jumped on it. I jumped on it quick quick. You will find out why I shouldn’t have done this in the next tip.
4. Don’t look pregnant
Being over a certain size in my industry is a tricky path to navigate (we will dive deeply into that eventually) However for the purpose of this post, I’ll delve a little. The combination of well garnished, late night Indomie bele, a bad crap day and what has to be the most lazy waist trainer in the world, landed me in hot water you guys. I was at the venue for this photo shoot, groggy as hell because our call time was 7am, with a big round mound for a torso. It was like the devil decided that he would try all of it with me that day and I didn’t have Jesus to swoop in and save me. Then the worst happened, my outfits came and the only one that would go up my arse was this hot blue number. We celebrated because it fit, but by the time I saw myself in the mirror, I was crestfallen. My triple D crests literally looked like they were falling!!! And just right beneath them, the lost gourd of the ngegedengegedembaba tribe. The ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER LOOK LIKE IN A PHOTO SHOOT IS PREGNANT!!!! I could have passed for a maternity shoot model and I had the bags under my eyes to be fully in character. God was not on my side you guys.
So there you have it, on my first ever proper photo shoot, I pulled a triple P. Pregnant, Puffy and Pissed. Pissed because my make up artist colluded with the devil to try it and she succeeded. Make up artists need to learn to respect the clients face and what it wants and doesn’t want; but I digress. I will be talking about on set make up in another post.
There is a lot more to this story than I have put down, but fear not. I will tell you the rest in part 2 of this post; “IF YOUR BELE IS A JUDAS, HANG HIM”. Because there are things that you CAN and SHOULD do to take great looking photos every time the camera comes to suck your soul out. And I’ll be damned if I don’t share with you all the secrets of looking effortlessly perfect using MAXIMUM EXTRA BONE CRUSHING EFFORT. Till then, keep your eyes on the prize and be a champion today.
P.S I will be burning that waist trainer to get back at it for being an accessory to hardship.